Trying

What a day, a sunny Sunday. Clear bright sky, 72 degrees. So tomorrow things change. There's concern, a kind of worry with a smirk. Will I sleep tonite? Will I sleep at my desk? What about food? What about all the new people? But mostly what about my brain, my ability to learn, to focus, to understand this new mess. Brett called it a mess. I've created a new empty directory, "SST" and a sub-directory "Compliance." I need to unload or push aside the moodle stuff. I can't really say there's anything there. Most of what I learn these days doesn't really stick. I've got teflon where I need velcro. It's always been that way. I couldn't remember the formulas I needed to succeed in college. I have trouble remembering stuff I read. Lately, I tried saluting my poor memory as one of my best features. I am a designer of information systems. They work because my memory doesn't. I'm more concerned about my mistakes. I used to think that spontaneity was a good thing. It probably is a good thing to trust your gut, but my first impressions are almost always wrong. I react to information without taking the time needed to really get the message. I seem to be working with a slow processor. There are also way too many sub-routines running, clouding my ability to perceive clearly, and now Ellen has introduced a new condition - Brain Fog. I've been fogging up my nervous system forever. I used to think that drugs would set me free. That didn't work for me and yet my best hours of the day are four to nine. Crack a bottle of wine or pour a vodka, chop some onions and garlic, sizzle some fish or bake a chicken. It's all good. Flip on msnbc, enjoy the meal, pour another glass, pass out in the chair. Wake up, gobble a few FRS and head to the pool. What the hell am I going to do now! Dinner in town, walk across the Common, sober up and go to the gym?

I wish Jane was here. Her image of me is so much better than mine. I miss her face, her skin, her sneezes, chuckles, and other noises. But Jane is not here. She is in love where she is. Her Ginger with Baby. Her Jesse with Devin. They are lucky to have her and I am the loser in that equation because she cannot be here and there. She has made her choice. Nothing beats knowing who you are and knowing what you want. When Jane is with Devin she is full. As she waits and watches Ginger as she blooms, Jane blooms as well. And I love her.